BOTW #9: Jammie Dodgers

Name: Jammie Dodgers
Producer: Burton’s Foods

If last week’s “Cow Biscuits” were any indication that I’ll buy food based solely on cuteness, this week’s biscuit shows the power of a funny name. May I introduce you to BOTW #9: the Jammie Dodgers.


Described worryingly as “Delicious stretchy jam splodged at the heart of 2 yummy shortcake biscuits,” the red and yellow package of Jammie Dodgers was tossed into my basket this week.

At first glance, the Jammie Dodgers seem a pretty solid contender for decent biscuit status. They are a manageable size, they have the light golden dry and crumbly shortbread biscuit I’ve come to expect, and in the little heart-shaped cutout in the center of the biscuits you can see the raspberry jam glistening. So far, so good.


With the first bite, however, you realize what it was about the package’s description that worried you so. “Stretchy jam” indeed. Rather than the expected delicious silky jam, you’re confronted with something a bit more along the lines of gummy candy. The stretchy jam and crumbling cookie are really a messy and inconvenient combination of textures.


Being a good biscuit reviewer though, you decide you have to follow through and finish the darn thing. Then you realize, about three bites in, that you are…enjoying it. What? How did this happen? By what right has this biscuit gotten better?

You scramble madly looking for the ingredient list on the back of the package. Surely some hallucinogenic agent must be added to the cookies for this result. Then you see it. Damn you, Burton’s. You know exactly what you’re doing, you cagey tricksters. There, on the back of the wrapper, in red italics you read:
“Shortcake biscuits sandwiched with raspberry flavoured jam. What makes ‘em so yummy?”

If only I knew. If only I knew.

And here, thanks to the glories of YouTube, is what I always think of whenever I eat a Jammie Dodger. From his "Glorious" show, Eddie Izzard (my favorite transvestite British stand-up comedian) talks about biscuits on a plane...the relevant bit starts at about the 4:30 mark (and runs to about 7:00, but I recommend the whole show).